Saturday, January 26, 2008

Christians demand ESPN release "fuck" tapes

The Christian Inquisitioners arrived at the gates of ESPN yesterday to demand the head of Dana Jacobsen, who is reported to have cursed Notre Dame's "touchdown Jesus."

Somehow, it's okay for everyone to talk about touchdown Jesus (the icon of Christ which looms from an adjoining building, over Nortre Dame's football stadium) whenever they want. No disrespect there, because of course, we know that Jesus would want nothing more in the world he left behind than for his Catholic team to score. But the minute a slightly tipsy ESPNette says "Fuck touchdown Jesus," Roman collars start spinning across this great, and increasingly priestless, land.

Christian Inquisitioners like Patrick Mahoney actually seem to enjoy the spotlight, and appear to enjoy the fact, that in asking for answers to his questions, in the name of the Christian Defense Coalition (these are the same guys who stepped between the lions and the disciples in Rome's Coliseum, right?), they get to say things like "They aren't saying what she said. We want to know if she said 'fuck Jesus.'"

You can only imagine that a tingle went down his spine when he said "fuck Jesus." Because he could say it with impunity in defense of the lord.

I once had a nun in Catholic school who listed all the curse words we shouldn't say in the playground. Some of those words we had never heard or imagined before. To this day, I'm convinced that she got a great thrill in reciting that litany of epithets, and initiating a classroom of fourth graders to the splendors of foul language.

The strange thing about the ESPN roast for the two Mikes at which Dana Jacobsen displayed her profane side - it was never broadcast. It was not intended to be broadcast on ESPN, and never was, so aside from the jocks in the room who might have been offended, I'm not quite sure who the Catholic Inquisitioners are protecting. Is it Jesus himself (I think he's already handled worse)? Because if they're worried about the other Christians who might be offended, aren't they actually making matters worse by proliferating the profanity?

In days gone by the inquisitioners would have burned Jacobsen at the stake. These days, ruining her career would be satisfaction enough. Somewhere in here there's a homily, which some good pastor will deliver this weekend, about the time that Jesus said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." That would thin out the Christian picket lines pretty readily.

I wish these inquisitioners would get so riled up by the legion of child molesters the Church of Peter has protected lo, these many decades. Now that's something I'm sure Jesus would have been offended by - pederasts pretending to be holy men.

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